looking back, feeling sad (please read this post..before you comment)

was looking back..
reading this booklet..i kept..for him..

it contains all the sweet little smses from him..
from time to time..

i only wrote the sweets ones..
coz i dont wan to remember the times which we quarrel..

我把他对我每一滴的爱，都写在里头。。
when we quarrel..i always read this booklet..
and tell myself that..he is a good bf..

looking back at how much i'm not ready for a r/s
how much encouraging words he said so that i could take a step forward..

telling be he will be my light..if i'm lost in the darkness..
what i need to do..is to just follow the light..
telling me i dont need to change..
just be myself..
i was being myself..
over jealous..lack of confidence in the r/s

i wasnt ready to be another one's gf..
i dont know how to be..
i dont know how to be a good gf..
i can not be as magnanimous..i'll jealous..

maybe i was badly hurt b4..
i'm so afraid that i'll lose him..
i so afraid that i'll be hurt again..

maybe that's why i've tied him down so much..
eventually..

eventually i got touched by him..
not by any flowers,plush toys,gifts..
just because a bottle of herbal tea..

maybe you'll laugh..
maybe is just cost a dollar over..
but that's the most expensive gift..
its his genuine care and concern..

that was the first..
and also the last..maybe?
i cant remember when was the last time..
he got me a herbal tea..
i only remembered i kept 打包 homemade herbal tea for him..
almost everyweek..coz i'm afarid he had ulcers again..
i buy him medication..westen ones..easten ones..
how many of you actually help him get medication when he have ulcers..

the most you do is "wow,so big ar..pain anot"
or "you can eat things anot?"

if you're really his friend..is this "this much" you can do??

i am a person who needs other's care and concern..
attention..esp from my bf..
i wished he can do sweet little things for me..
maybe it's just a sketch work..
maybe it's just a hand written letter..
its enough..i dont measure sweetness with the amount of $$$ spent on me..

i'm not good with words..
i dont know how to tell him..how much i love him..
i only use actions to prove it..

i wanted to support him to do wat he love too..
like bBall..but everytime i see him play bBall..
he want to do his best..拼了命，也要把每一场球打好。。
if he didnt do as well as he expected..
he felt depress..

i remember one game in sch..
he wasnt onform..after the match..
he sit in the court..alone..
i went there..to ask him how he is..
he just said.."nothing la.."
and walked away..
left me sitting in the court..
do you know how bad i feel..
to see him at like this?

its another side of him i never saw b4..
when someone bang into him..he fall..
i cant bare to see him fall..i feel so heart ache..
but, 又有谁知道？？
i'm so afarid that he will get hurt..
everytime he come back with a swollen leg..
we cant go out on saturdays..i feel so down..
but i went to his hse..take care of him..
his friends..where were all of you??


i saw his leg..心很痛。。
可是，我又能做什么？
i cant stop him play ball..but it hurts me so much..
to see him got himself hurt..
how much struggle i have to take?
hoping he'll be fine everytime he goes for Bball..
but, 又有谁知道？？


i didnt know..if i hold the kite too tight..
it will break..
i just know that..if i hold de kite too lose..
it will fall down..

guess all of you are right..
i'm childish..

i just like a little kid..dacing in the hall way..
yearning attention from parents..
hoping all the attention will be on her..

other than the smses..
i also wrote a diary about us..
alot of heart felt words..
i didnt tell him..i dont know how to..
i dont know how to open my mouth and say..
de most i sms..
but i wrote them down..i wrote down my feelings..
hoping one day..he will be able to read it..
now that he never will..i'll still write a beautiful ending..

i only hope that he love me the way i wanted..
but never know that..he's already giving the best he could..
i only love him the way i think is the best..
i giving him wat i tink is the best..
but didnt know, that is not what he wanted..

when he is in NS,i was so worried..
i worried about his health..i worried about his leg..
each week we spent so little time with each other..
i only get to see him on weekends..
why must everyone of you compete with me?
why?

everyweek..i try my best to encourage him..
no matter how much he dont wan to go back in..
no matter how much i hate to see him go in..
i still have you..
i even got him a box with all kinds of medication inside..

when he sick..i'm so worried..but he couldnt come back..
i'm so afraid that one of the unfortunate events might happen..
i couldnt sleep properly..i cant concentrate on my work..
only thing i can do..is to wait..
wait for his sms..wait for his call..
how agonising it is.. i tell myself..i cant fall sick..
if not, no one will be there..
all these, 又有谁知道？？

his friends..all you all did is wanted to meet up with him..
wanted to know how army is like..
wanted to know how he is inside..
wanted to know can he cope inside..
but we already spent so little time together each week..
cant you spare a thought for me?

when he told me that..no one ever celebrated his birthday for him..
i was shocked totally..i was tinking..
i thought you said you've a bunch of good friends wat..
why they didnt celebrate for you?

so what you bought him presents..
is this what he wanted?
i guess what he wanted, is someone who could remember his birthday..

and he feels that..something bad will happen to him..
on his birthday..
i tried my very best to prove him wrong..
even though we still quarrel on this birthday 2 years back..
but..i try my best to make him feel that he's not alone..
someone out there still cares for you as much..

no matter is me alone..below his hse with a cake..with a simple website..
or a cake in sch with our classmates..
or mass msn wishes..when the clock strikes 12..
i really did everything i could..to make him feel happy..
but i guess in the end..all its not what he wanted..
i guess he just need someone to be with him..
telling him that..nothing bad is gonna happen..


i'm saying all these..
not that i want anyone to 可怜我，同情我。
or agree with me.. or feel apologetic..
i'm say it coz,i'm feeling sad..

i did everything i could to support him..
i really really did my best..trying not be jealous..
i really learn to give him his freedom..
i let him play the Bball he wanted..but sometimes..
he is very busy..doesnt mean everytime he didnt turn up for games..
its coz of me..
he go out with his friends..i didnt even ask anything..
just hope that he can call me when he reach home..

just that i still cant, really cant tahan..seeing him with girls..
maybe it's really my bottom line..
and we cant compromise on that..

i just feel like..很委屈。。
coz all of you just saw how angry i am..
how pissed off..how unreasonable i am..
but none of you know, none of you see..
the reasons behind all the unreasonables..
and just judge me with my exterior..

do anyone of you understands me?